jokes

These are the answers from dogs when asked
"How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes
rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

You know you are owned by a dog when...

You have a mental list of people you would like to spay or neuter.
Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.
You stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas Cards.
Not only do family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they
have never seen the holy family depicted by dogs.
Your checks show a dog.
You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture.
You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears.
You not only allow dogs on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because the dog has
"territorial issues."
You and your vet are on a first name basis.
You tell your children to "heel!" in a grocery store.
You know all the characteristics of a good "stool".

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE

SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who
LOVES to play. I love: long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, riding in your pickup truck,
fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating
out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when
you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call
555-1212 and ask for Daisy.

(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was a black Labrador Retriever.)

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember
to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up!
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, ect., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a "face towel".
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear while he is on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "Hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house- not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room licking my crotch.
12. The cat is not a "squeaky toy" so when I play with him and he makes that noise, its not a
      good thing.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially the red one, or my people will think I'm
      hemorrhaging.
14. I will not bit the officer's hand when he reaches in for my mom's driver's license and car
registration.
15. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
16. I will not eat anymore socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
17. I will not eat other animals' poop.
18. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poo.
P.S. God, when I get to heaven may I have my testicles back?

A woman brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to the veterinary clinic for inoculations
and deworming. As the look alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box,
the veterinarian realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. The
veterinarian turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers, and moistened each dog's head
when she had finished.

After the fourth puppy, the veterinarian noticed the usually talkative woman had grown silent.
As the veterinarian sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered,
"I didn't know they had to be baptized."

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM towel dry you! Instead, run to their
bedroom, jump up and dry yourself off on their sheets. This is especially good if it's right
before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put you ears back, tail
between your legs, chin down, and act as if you have done something really bad. Then,
watch as the humans frantically search the house for damage they think you have caused.
(Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong).

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when the humans
try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have
no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans patient. When you go outside to pee, sniff around the entire yard as
your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of
the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible
spot to go poo. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly
well if your human has forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange
human walks by.

7. Make up your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the
humans. Make them go chase it once in awhile.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door.
Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you.
(Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as
possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans
take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans
can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts).

Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog If...

~There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
~The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.
~The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
~The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.
~That telltale lemon slice in the new sliver waterbowl.
~You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with a copper cookie cutter and
decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
~Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
~A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.
~Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool handknitted
sweater with matching boots.
~The dog dropping in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

Dog Rules, Simplified for Humans

Visitors
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly
and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying,
lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
Barking
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark a lot. Your owners will be
very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are
sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night hearing your protective bark, bark, bark.
Licking
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human.
Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
Holes
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig
a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of
dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough
holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
Doors
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
The Art of Sniffing
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to
accommodate them.
Dining Etiquette
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guest, so you can clean
up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice you sniffing.
Housebreaking
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
Going For Walks
Rules of the road: when out for a walk with master or mistress, never go the bathroom
on your own lawn.
Couches
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
Playing
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your
fall, so you don't injure yourself.
Chasing Cats
When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--catch them. It spoils all the fun.
Chewing
Make a contribution to the fashion industry... eat a shoe.

Dog Pet Peeves

~When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
~Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
~Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
~How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while your gone. (Have
you ever noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
~Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
~Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
~Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet...Why'd you buy Carpet?
~Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered
that handshake thing yet...idiot.
~How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
~Dog sweaters?... Have you noticed the fur?... Imbecile.
~Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your shit up when
you're not home).
~When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that
puts me?
~Taking me to the vet for the big snip, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go
back!
~The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top
of the food chain, you nitwit.